Rejected into Purpose
From a young girl, I was always different. You could describe me as shy, quiet, and sensitive. Now I see that I was always reserved, discerning, and sensing the surroundings. I was rejected from a little girl and at times I wonder if it started in the womb. My mother didn’t plan to have me. She was young and had no one to explain anything to her about sex so here I was. After finding out she was pregnant she was talked into marrying my dad so that it didn’t look bad for the religious folk. God wouldn’t still love you if you had a child born out of wedlock would He? Of-course He would; but she didn’t grow up with a good foundation of God’s love either. Who knew that God loved me so much that He decided to call me His even with me being formed in sin? What a great love! Now, this didn’t mean that the beginning of my childhood would still come easy. I still had to fight to get God’s planned destiny for my life back out of the hands of the enemy. That nothing devil knew even when I had no clue, what plans the Lord had for me since the womb. I was always rejected; by my mom, dad, sister, aunts, etc. I never could form a close connection with anyone although that was all I craved. The only love I recall from childhood is from my grandmothers and they didn’t raise me so it was only so much love I could get at a time. I lived in a home with a full family and felt so alone. Anytime I had something to say it was shunned because I was just a child so I didn’t know anything. I couldn’t dare have any sense being that I was younger, could I? I was shamed and picked on by family and others because of my high-pitched voice which was another thing that made me want to shrink and keep quiet. When I was around 10 years old, I noticed my dad would never be home although he lived with us. Late nights and early mornings was his lifestyle. Have you ever lived with someone and never really knew them although you wanted to so bad? Well that was what I experienced. Infidelity fell in the house and things just went down-hill from there. A spirit of heartbreak, anger, mistrust, insecurity, pain and everything you could think of went loose in the house. Already feeling like the black sheep this only made things worse because now I really began to feel the chains of rejection, abandonment, and at times even neglect. My emotions and spirit was left to fend for themselves. Who was going to piece me back together? All that made me do was latch on to any friend that would receive me. Look for any guy that would want me as long as he was good looking (Although God always blocked me). I would even feel insecure about that. I just wanted to get a man so he could love me and God wouldn’t let it happen because He knew it would ruin me. He knew that at that time I would make that man an idol and He wasn’t having that! I continued on my life walking around broken, trying to figure out what this thing was about. I was put in nursing school got my first adult job, moved out and could pay my own bills. A part of me enjoyed this I was finally grown, I could do what I wanted. I could leave that space that felt like an emotional prison. Cold, lonely, loveless. I can count on one hand (if even) how many times I remember hearing ‘I love you’ in my childhood home. God allowed me the time to be out in the world long enough so I could see how unfulfilling it really is and then one day He allowed me to go through the wilderness. I had to make the decision of Him or the world. I didn’t even know I had this ultimatum at the time but now I see that my spirit somehow knew where to go back to. He stripped me of all the negative things, cleaned me up, and after He took me through the fire He is showing me off to the world as pure gold. That sad, irritable, insecure girl is now a joy filled, loved radiant light for Christ. A precious daughter in the Kingdom. I have never knew a greater love! All of that just to get me to where I was always meant to be. Every ounce of childhood trauma was worth it just to get to this place. God even allowed me to heal those relationships so that I can be a light for them and forgive. He has thrust me into purpose and I’m excited to see where He is taking me. Even if I don’t know the blue-print I know that the destination is great!
-Darian
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